There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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