dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
