I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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