You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
