Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
