oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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