Im at strip club and am horny
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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