The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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