Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The uberlube is also flammable
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
