In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
