literally had 100 drinks last night.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
