pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
