Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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