Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
