So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
