i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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