He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
