I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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