he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
