I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
