I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
