while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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