hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
