I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
