We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
