Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
