She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
