i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
