i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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