My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
