Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
