I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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