my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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