they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
