Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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