you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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