The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
