a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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