mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
