Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
