My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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