I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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