Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
