My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Is it penis luge time yet?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
