be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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