my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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