I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
