I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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