I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
