Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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